Hello, Blogspot.

I'm in New Hamburg and its very boring.

Last night I hung with a few friends and we drank, things went from good to shit. It was one of the most scariest nights that I've experience. I won't get into detail because it's really no ones business but I just hope things are okay.

I ended up sleeping at Paisley's. She went somewhere though so Preston and I just went to bed and well I woke up drunk for like 5 minutes and realized that well.. I had a very bad hang over and just wanted to die. I ended up walking to Grandmas and bumping to my mother after so well that's how I got to bum fuck no where.

My mom went out on a date... I mean I really hope this dude isn't a piece of shit if this goes farther then a date. If it does go down hill and he's like the last douche bag... I'm pretty sure I'll never stick around again.

So now I'm sitting here very bored and my mom left me three cigarettes. I'm so bored to the point I think I'll get bored of smoking. I've done that twice today but anyways, I'm gonna go now. My lovely update is over.

Lost of words.

Things are getting worst.. Who I am? What am I doing with my life? And why?

Late on the updates.

So basically lately I've been up to nothing but cancelling things. I need to get my head in gear. I'm so lost and never stick to the things I say I'm going to do. Plus I've been feeling like complete shit.

Have you ever fell in someone and allowed something to happen you know you shouldn't have. I mean I just kind of feel used and my feelings are so confusing. I feel as if I was just another number and nothing else but that number. Not a person, a friend, or anything... Just that fucking one number that will mean nothing.

I put my heart into deep. I mean I'm no longer sane. I'm just a complete wreck. I said the whole I want him as a friend.. which I do but then there's just me yet feeling like I'll now for on be a cyber friend who he'll never talk to.

I don't know, I'm ranting on about stupid little things.

Anyways, I'm thinking of where to get my next tattoo but also am thinking of getting a job. I'm pretty sure this week I will ACTUALLY go out and look. I need something.

Sorry for lack of updates and for this one being retarded. Anywho I'm gonna go lay in bed and wait for who ever is downstairs to get the hellllll out cause I personally look as if the world just shit on me.

Always talking about you got.

So basically, I have a terrible bladder infection and I finally found out what from. Which is kind of funny to me. I went to the emergency to get checked out because I was in horrible pain. Couldn't sleep and had very very bad lower pain. I thought it was just pmsing but it wasn't. At least I gotten it take care of. My pills are massive. But things are kind of starting to look worst actually below my ribs are starting to hurt which could possibly mean my bladder infection went to my kidneys. I never had a bladder infection before so that's why I'm kind of all sketch out about the situation.

So basically I decided I really really do need to look for a job. My parents aren't letting me live off there money like I use to. I would get 200 dollars in my pocket and would blow it or go to London or just somewhere. I have a hard time saving money when food is around. I love food.

I'm kind of scared I'm going to be having to watch what I eat so I don't gain any weight. I mean I can eat, eat, eat, and eat... And won't gain weight but that could change. I'm kind of eatting a lot more healthy now. Not a lot of McDonalds or junk food. I'm even not drinking soda a lot. Except yesterday the pharmacist dude told me to stay away from it, I totally ended up going to McDonalds and got a there biggest drink of Coke.


Anywho, I need to shower and what not.

Everything is starting to catch up

and so are my emotions.

I'm scared not only for me but for my family. From having a father who got hit by a van and now is living in pain to having a mother is no longer sane. I love them both so very much and it's hard for me to deal with these situations because I always end up speechless and say "Oh." or repeat the same things I've already repeated.

I feel like an asshole because I want to start my life as a young responsible adult as soon as possible and be independent but hearing my father say things like "I might be in a wheelchair in a few years" Just make me worried and uncomfortable.

I've listened to people tell me I've lived a rough life. I have. I've been through too much then I should have but that's what has made me strong and independent. I know I lack in common sense demartment most of the time but at least I can own up to my mistakes and forgive myself. I've accepted I'm not perfect nor will I ever be.

My heroes truly are the people who have been through the worst and still stand on their two feet. I don't know. I'm just starting to grow up and see the views on other people's lives.

People are different in a good or bad way. I'm done with being so judgemental. Everyone has something they're not proud of and that they are. I realized I'm not proud of having pictures of me... or doing drugs in my past and even hurting others feelings.

I wasn't into hard drugs. I thought it was cool when people said they did "e" and all that stuff. When really it's not. It's just a object to cut off a path in your life and leave you no where. I've tried cocaine, hash, weed, shrooms and had some laced weed. I was stupid and hanging with the wrong crowd. There is such thing is pure pressure and I hate it.

I've had my number with guys and I know lots of people think I'm a whore from my mistake but I don't care. I have my true friends and that's all that matters. The fact that I'm starting to realize 90 percent of you just bitch about something for entertainment is pathetic. Go fuck yourself.

I've accepted my past and moved on with life. I'm happy with where I stand. I have my family and my friends that's all that matters to me.

Stupid.

I understand you may have OCD but seriously.. I want to do my own laundry so my shit doesn't get mixed up or you give it away. Sure, everything was a mess. Only because I needed to find MY clothes because I had plans to go and at least look decent...

Anywho.

Monday - I stayed at home until 7. Went to my step dads and apparently smelled like a bag of weed... Just lovely.

Tuesday - I wokeup and headed to Kitchener with my mom and brother. Met Amanda then went to her place. Hung out had Brady attack me and throw me in the ocean and then we went and got ourselve a haircut.

Wednesday - Which is today. I plan on cleaning my room and being lazy.

Yay.

Oof.

I really should stop lurking. I tend to hurt myself when I laugh too hard.

What a night.

I had a huge cry fest and feel like shit. I'm gonna go be depressed and crawl up in a ball. Woo. Love my blogspot.

My back hurts

UGH

What did you say?

Ugh, I'm home. Had a good week. I've been thinking a lot though. I just need a positive change in my life. I'm done with chasing after someone and especially done fucking myself over because of my stupidity.

My mom said today that she might be getting back with my step dad. I choked on my McDonald's fries and said "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I'm not sure why but I don't want her to. I love my step-dad lots but I just don't want her to go back with him... I still don't get why.

Anyways, I'm kind of smelly. Cute eh? I need to clean my room and shower. I need to start taking some responsibility for myself to prove I can do things on my own and what not.

I'll probably end up writing more later.

Ugh

Blank.

You spin my head right round.

I'm tired and bored. Worst couple of days in my life ever.

Enough said.

For today :
Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
Something is wrong and you know it must be put right, but everything you try seems to miss the mark. You're doing your best and that will prove more than enough to achieve the success you deserve.

Yesterday's:
Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
Not only are you not perfect, you are not supposed to be perfect. You are not a machine. Accept your unreasonable desires and be proud.

My horoscopes scare me because they're so right.

I found an apartment.

Well actually two.
Rent for one is 650 and that includes utilites and the other rent is 390 without utilites. I'm going to go see it (the one for 390) sometime next week. I just have to call the guy and he understands my situation. I just have to get my mother to sign the lease since I am considered a minor. But I'll be paying around 500 dollars a month for rent which is so much better than 650. I'm only renting out one of the rooms there are two so I might have some sketchy roommate or have a friend if I can find one who wants to move. Most important thing is for me to make resumes and find a job because I need the money by the end of April.

Here's the thing, I don't know how to break the news to my dad. I mean.. He knows I might be moving in September but not so soon? I don't know if this is even certain I will have to find out as soon as possible.

I haven't been blogging much but things are going well. I'm not going to school today because I feel like shit and I'm tired as hell. I hate daylight savings it's very rediculous.

So right now, I'm listening to Flo-Rida. So glad this dude is amazing. ;)

Anyways, I'll update more later.

P.S Kayne West - Live. Awful.

I've accepted it.

My little niece is adorable. She has lots of dark hair and kind of slanted eyes. My nephew loves her and it's amazing to see my brother so happy and not being an asshole.

I kind of haven't updated really much which really kind of sucks. I just been feeling like shit hence I have sore throat.

I'm just going to go and attempt to get ready.. if people don't get out of the bathroom. I deal with every morning. Everyone needs into the bathroom. Like HULLOOOOO So do I. There's a bathroom downstairs... Take your shower then shimmy down to it? I mean like come on, Don't take twenty minute showers in the morning. Especially when I'm suppose to leave at 8:30, guess that isn't happening.

This is just my rant, I'll stop now.

Crazy weekend

I spent five hours in the hospital waiting for my niece to be born. I'm not in a blogging mood so I'll update later or tomorrow.

Hummingbird.

Sooooooo, I'm going to Toronto sometime at the end of the month to go to the laser clinic just to talk about my tattoo. Not making appointments or anything to get it removed, just out of curiosty. I am changing my ship into a hummingbird with a bunch of flowers though, with a ribbon that says "Dad" on it. Only because everytime my father is home I hear him humming tunes or singing little lines here and there. It's always been like that and I love my father.

I'm tired and bored and really need to change and I'm using to many ands but whatever.

Uh oh.

My little sister isn't home. No phone call, no nothing, and it's scary.

LOL. Nevermind, she's in her bed sleeping. How weird? We thought she was missing all day.

Anyways, Nothing to say. I'm tired and bored. Went out to dessert with Maxxie and Robin. Had a very boring day. Nothing new. Except missed two classes today which sucks but oh well. I only have one tomorrow.

Was that awkward?

Haven't been up dating due to the fact I really haven't been in the mood but here:

Friday I went to Sebastian's show to give a "Hello" since he was in the city. On Saturday... I slept and Sunday I slept and oh Monday slept.

Last night I slept over at Carrie's. I drank. Knocked over the beer. Laughed. Told someone I was in love with them which is totally true but bad timing. We also played scrabble. Took pictures and yet I'm hoping to get em.

Yup, that's my update.

Morning fuck up.

Seriously?

Don't tell me what to do and don't wake me up. You're not my father you are my father's ex girlfriend's bestfriend who sadly is living here. I like you and all but reality check your words don't mean shit. When I tell you "My alarm is set for 8" Don't tell me "You won't catch the bus in time" Guess what. I didn't because there is only one bathroom but it doesn't matter because I'm changing to online courses. So please, just stay out of my way.

"I am your friend and your sister i would do anything for you even if i was mad at you" This truly means a lot. My sister and I have been hanging out recently. She ruined my birthday in September... and we kind of stopped talking then ever since one hangout we just can't get enough. She truly is my bestfriend. I mean we share secrets and they're HUGE secrets. I really put a lot of trust into her. Also, when my Dad and I move she might be moving back with us!

I'm super bored and very tired. I missed school but I'm just in a terrible bitch mood that I for sure do not want to go. So I'm spending day home and probably going to head to my mom's.

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
Some minor improvements to a crucial area of your life are slowly starting to take place. You should now be starting to notice a difference, even if the full impact has yet to filter through.

I love my horoscopes they're always so true but I only read "The Star" cause every other one is bullshit.

Oh but last night I went to Kayla's apartment with my sister and I brought up the topic of who my sister knocked out / gave a concusion... I felt like an asshole when she pointed to the room Kayla was in. Hopefully she didn't hear me.

I'm probably going to go shower now... Yep, I am.

I'll update later.

Fustration.

I AM GOING TO FREAK, FUCK THIS COMPUTER AND EVERYTHING WRONG WITH IT.

The past.

It's catching up. Now that I don't have a certain amount of people in my life anymore it really hurts. I realized how much they mean to me and how much I went in the wrong direction and showed them that I'm just a piece of shit but I'm really not. I just made a mistake. I really wish I could fix things. I just want to be myself again.

Fist of God

New MSTRKRFT cd is actually so good.

I gave my dad some money to go pick me up 649 numbers so hopefully I win at least a decent amount of money. Tonight it's 48,000,000 but I wouldn't mind winning a couple hundred dollars.

I'm very tired and need to sleep but can't. I just want it to be Monday so I can get my SIN card and job hunt. I don't even care how the weather is on Monday. I just need to get out and get a job.

My niece is due anytime. It's fucking amazing. I'm so excited it's unbelievable. I remember four years ago sitting in the hostipal holding my nephew now I get to hold my niece so soon. I've been waiting forever. Time goes by so fast but I'm so glad. My brother's girlfriend had a miscarriage before and she didn't ever want to get pregnant again but she is and the baby is healthy and everything is going so great.

I'm gonna make some resumes now though.

Too many today.

I'll probably regret telling you to go fuck yourself but basically by your actions.. I felt the need to say it.

So please, go fuck yourself and while you're at it grow some balls.

You and me can really break it down.

So I need to make some resumes and go job hunting soon.

Today I went to my appointment and picked my birth certificate. I also left my cigarettes in my mom's car which fucks me over. But I'm quitting soon which is good and I really mean it. I gotta get into shape and get my ass in gear.

My money didn't come today. I'm not gonna lie.. I was really pissed. So basically now I can't get clothes until.. when ever it comes? Which I highly doubt I'll get due to the fact my mom would take it. I can just see that happening.

Anyways, I'm gonna go grab something to eat and clean up. I might have company over. Doubt that too but that's okay.

Once again.

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
You have been dealing with a series of entanglements. Things will fall back into place, however, and your life will again make sense.

Rooster (1993 & etc)
Positives: Resilient, Courageous, Passionate, Protective, Patriot, Industrious
Negatives: Blunt, Conceited, Rude, Impatient, Aggressive, Bossy

I love how this is so true.

My life.

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
Some factors within your situation seem deeply unfair, which is what you are accustomed to. To best deal with them, it is imperative to be true to your own feelings and let them guide you.

Casual Opps.

Basically, I'd like to just point out if you were trying to offend me... It really didn't work. You pointed out the truth and since I knew it was the truth and agreed with it before you brought it up, your words didn't make an affect on me.

I don't have any classes today which rules. That means I got to sleep in. I slept in only until like 10:30am but still.. it's way better then waking up earlier.

Today my sister may be coming over. If she does that will be good. I could use some company and maybe get my head out of the gutter. I mean all I do is just sleep, eat, shower, school and repeat. It's very boring. I need to get out and stop being such a hermit. Plus, right now I'm super hungry but last night I ate so much. I had a burger, two vegeterian wraps, a bagel and a sandwich... Sup soon-to-be-fatty?

My modem doesn't work in my room for internet which really irritates me a lot. I really need to get on that but before I do that I should work really hard on making resumes. I'm thinking about part-time but yet full-time since I go to school part-time. But I guess for now I'm just gonna work part-time and then in the summer work-full time. I'm going to be working in Kitchener though most likely.

I realized a lot of shit has to change. So I'm kind of just going to keep my distance from people which I really mean this time. Only because it's just putting me back to the beginning which.. isn't going so well.

Thought of someone today and how I kind of miss our relationship but that's the past. I mean he meant a lot to me and I sure felt like I was in love.. but I wasn't. I was a complete wreck. I couldn't trust him and he brought fustration. As much as I loved being around him I hated not being around him because how he would lie to my face. I mean maybe that's the reason why I can't date because I get bullshitted everytime? As much as I'd love to date I can't. I can't commit to something that someone won't commit back.

But there is someone I do really have hard feelings for. I mean I've been kind of into them for half a year but I fucked up which was stupid but lately I have been doing that so not surprised but just disappointed. But now I've come realization there's nothing I can do to even fix the situation not even pouring my heart will help will only make me look stupid and unfortunately has happened. So I'm left with only needing to speak in person but I highly doubt that'll happen to so whatever.

I'm listening to Greg Laswell. He truly is one of my favorite artist. His voice is just touching and listening to him on repeat just makes my day.

I'm probably going to buy some clothes on Friday online from UO and AA. I need some new vnecks and a pair of leather flats that are so cute! Stoked and I'm thinking about a hair cut and maybe going blonde. I'm still debating but yeah, I'll end up doing that most likely.

Truth.

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
Life is unnecessarily difficult at the moment. Saturn has been working for quite some time on redirecting you toward an easier path. There is no harm in abandoning old plans. Getting rid of the extra weight will speed things up.

In too deep.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach because everything is just going so wrong.

Dumb.

The kissing bridge.

My grandfather would drive past it on his Harley Davidson and always told me that it was the kissing bridge. This was when I was at least around eight. Well anyways, I've never been in it but apparently it's tradition. I don't know why but I kind of just think it's stupid but yet would love to do it . But whatever. Hahaha I'm sure it's just an amish story. Oh being amish is always so interesting. But no, I don't live like them.. Haha just some of them are my family... Sucks.

Coldest story ever told.

Not in blogging mood. But tomorrow I'm going to fix my plan or hopefully just get a new phone. Bed times. Xo

Chris Brown arrested for assaulting Rihanna.

Hm, that's new. Usually we hear about crack whores and dudes who dig little children.

Anywho, today was a decent day. Other than the huge arguement around noon. Once again... Maxxie came picked me up though which was good. So we went out to eat with Stevil and Samantha at Country boy. Yum!

I've been day dreaming all day... About the usual. Which would rule if it'd stop.

I'm waiting for my father to get home and plus, I'm super hungry. I love dinner so much, only because Maxxie always makes the greatest food it isn't the usual steak and salad stuff. It's just like a bunch of different things which is delicious. Will post picture of dinner tonight later maybe. Depending if I can find my camera.

Anyways I'm going to go give Butterfly a bath.

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

xandrewx says:
That really traumatized you huh?

It really did, now thinking about it. I feel dumb and feel so gross about myself. I've lot respect for my own self. I fell for someone for only me to screw myself over. I'm ashamed of myself and hate everything I have been for the past few months.

I apologized to a old a friend tonight. I miss him so much and really wish I didn't fuck up because his friendship meant a lot to me. I've know him for a little over a year now and we've had a hate/love relationship but the past few months ended that relationship to nothing. Not friends, not anything. I wish I could just go back in time.

Any who, I feel no pain right now just confusion.

To a certain somebody, I really wish you could give me another chance and wish things could be how they were. I miss everything about you and thank you so much for the one night we just sat and talked for so long. You gave me plenty of smiles and I'm sorry for doing what I did. I know things will never be the same but that was my fault.

Finished.

Huge plans gone non existence.

I always wanted to be covered in tattoos like my father. But something inside of me is telling me not to. If I could have changed things now, I'd changed getting my tattoo. It cost lots of money to get it removed. So I'm just going to get it covered with something more meaningful.

A classier side - I plan on just dressing really nice. Having a nicer appearance gets you noticed more. I don't mean attention wise or anything like that. For example, If I was to go for a job interview wearing more nicer clothes there is a better of chance of getting the job. If I was to go in wearing an aa sweater, skinny pants, and keds with my hair thrown up. Highly doubt I will have as much as chance as wearing a nicer outfit. Plus, It makes me feel good to.

Healthiness - I plan on not eating fast food as much, only once a month. Also starting to eat lots of salads and not munch down on snacks in the middle of the night. Haha. This isn't to loose weight. I love my body and accept it for what size I am. I also want to start jogging. I'm just going to wait until the weather is nicer. Also I'm going to stop eatting red meat. I'm sticking with chicken and fish.

Lifestyle - I need a good sleep routine and also need to get my ass in gear for when it comes to school. I'm never skipping a day again in my life unless I'm really sick. I also really need to start respecting people and showing them apperication. I also should stop being such an asshole to a certain amount of people in my life. I also need to find away to control my anger instead of lashing out on the people I love.

Relationships - I've gained some old friends back but I don't want new friends. The past is the past and this my life. If you don't like that I'm friends with someone than I'm sorry. I don't want drama. I'm keeping my life on the DL. No shit talking, no arguing and no lies.

I'm ready for a change. A change for success and happiness. If you don't agree with my decisions thats fine because I don't agree with some of them either but from now I'm thinking things through before just doing. I learned my lesson big time from loosing someone I can say is important to me.

Forgive me for not being what you'd like me to be.

The past is the past

But I want it to be the future. I miss you two more than anything.

Things to do.

- Get my Birth Certificate and SIN card.
- Get my hair colored and cut.
- Start wearing my retainer.
- Get my teeth whiten.
- Clean room.
- Work on english.
- Get my nails redone.
- Order clothes online.
- Change schools? Maybe. I have to think about this.
- Get a new phone next week.
- Get a job and save 1500.
- Sign up for acting classes.
- Get my computer at my dad's.
- Get 80 hours of community service hours done (fml)

Eyes on fire.

I just missed my bus. How exciting. That's means I won't get to class on time... actually probably will take me an hour and a half to bus to school and class is only a hour today. Whatever, I've only gone like once this week which isn't good. I'll just pick my work and bring it home and finish it all so that I can at least just get the credit then work on another one.

After, that I'll head by my grandparent's and hangout there for a bit. Poliety ask my grandma to take me to go get my hair done and I'll pay her back when I get my cheque.

Anyways, I went to the mall yesterday and bought some stuff. Then my little sister pointed out that someone was at the mall and I wanted to leave as soon as possible, It was good seeing Zak though! Oh how I miss him.

I'm really tired and feel like poop. I have a half hour until the next bus comes.

OH! I don't have time on my phone, it's so great. I love not having a phone because it keeps away from socalizing with people.

I enjoyed the fact I bit off my fake nails last night. I don't think my dad will be too impressed. But sorry, the dude did such a shitty job.

Well, I'm gonna check my myspace and listen to my song then go.

Won't be long til I get you by my side.

So today has been very interesting. I had to get my furniture from my mothers to my father. The night before she said these words "This will be so good for you". It was suppose to be that way when I lived with her. Funny, huh.

Anyways I feel like a huge dick. My father said I'm not allowed to get a dog until "We get a place of our own" (His girlfriend and him broke up), My reply was "I'm moving to Guelph in July". I think that really hurt him due to the fact I just moved in. I needed to get out of my mom's. I feel bad because he's going to be on his own. He's always had a roommate or my sister and I.

I smell awful and need to shower. I'm getting my nails done tomorrow which is great. Well, I must go now and put my bed frame together .

I hate going to places

because I hate socializing with people especially at the mall. So my father took me to the mall today to buy some boots because I ruined my old ones from salt and probably from London the one day when it was sulshi.

Anyways, I'm very tired / bored. I have to go to clean myself up. I have plans for tonight to go over to Matt's and drink and just hangout. I misses him. Its great that him and I are talking again only because we use to be bestfriends... and then I don't know what the hell happened.

I don't get to see Nikki today, very bummed only because I have to be at Matt's for like 7? So hopefully I can see her some point this week. Oh man do I ever miss that gorgeous mama!

I'm really happy today, good.

Tough it up.

You can get girls wrapped around your finger because of how charming you are. Even though you are, I'm not wrapped around yours . I may miss you and want to make up but please, don't expect me to message you any time soon saying "Oh hey, I'm really sorry..." Because anybody can just say sorry and not mean it. I will find away to say sorry in the future but for now I have other things to do then worry about you not talking to me because of MY stupidity. Hopefully, you'll come around and talk to me again but I don't expect you . I just wish you luck with your music project and hope that everything is going good.

The world keeps turning

and yet I feel more fear.

I'm actually so scared of life. I'm scared of failure and being a nobody. I feel like as if it's the time for me to just step aside for a while. I'm having a trouble keeping myself sane. I'm lonely and I feel as if I brought this on myself and what I'm feeling is the truth. I want the days to go by fast until I'm ready to take the time to see what this world has become but until then I plan on just keeping to myself and finishing high school. I don't even know whats going on with myself right now all I know is I'm confused and frustrated and can only comprehend my decisions so very little. Just writing this is given me a headache.

I hate

you.

Disrespect.

People who steal shit from others. I'm sorry but could you get any lower? People work hard for their shit and what do you do? A cheap shot? Steal from a party? It's actually so disappointing to say some of you were my friends. But now I'm just talking in general. It doesn't matter if it's five dollars or not. Get a job and maybe gain some respect. It makes me so angry when people steal from their families / friends. That's the lowest of the low or when you have six people surrounding one... Yeah.. Life shouldn't be like that. You really should just grow some balls / brains and act like a man / women. Not a fucking piece of shit. I've only had someone steal twenty dollars from me once and it was actually so upsetting to see it was a best friend of mine. I honestly just don't understand why people have to steal to survive or just even feel the need too. Sure we have our days of jealousy but like I said people worked for that.. It doesn't matter if a daughter gets a laptop just for no reason.. Their parents put THEIR own money into it. I don't care what your excuse is. It's wrong and greedy. I'm greedy about money but you don't see me stealing fifty dollars out my mother's purse. I really hope karma comes and gets you but then again.. you'll probably just be right back where you started. With nothing and have more of a craving to steal over and over again. Draw the line.. not the circle. The line gets you somewhere far the circle just gets you right back to the beginning.

New Year

I personally can say what I've done was kind of stupid of me. Actually no I take full responsibility in the stupid department and it was a slut move. I'm tired of getting myself in shitty situations and only making things harder in life. I'm ready to use "common sense" and get my head straight. I fell for a guy and slept with his best friend? I wish I could explain to myself as to why I was not thinking because I know a hundred percent I fucking was not. I know I've screwed up bad but I can't say I regret it. I don't regret anything in life. This was just a huge eye opener for me to think before I do. Which I'm starting to do. I wish I wasn't so brain dead before and realized the consequence in the end. I can't say sorry because sorry just doesn't cut it. A word can't just throw everything to the side and make things better, I have to make things better. Starting of today I'm going to keep to myself and get my head straight as well as school. I just want to be happy again. I haven't been happy since I was in Grade four. I moved to Cambridge for Grade five and met the most nastiest girls ever. I don't mean nasty as in "Ew fuck" I mean as it "Bitch alert". I became best friends with them and started getting into trouble that really fucked me up hard. When I was thirteen I got arrested. Woo. Good job me! I'm totally willing to just forget my pass now and move on. I just want happiness. I wasn't happy in my relationship, I wasn't happy being best friends with people. I was never happy. Everything went wrong. When I OD it changed my life. I can't even go see a counselor for a second time.. I've been to like four counselors. I know I'm bi-polar. I won't take meds. I will never take meds. Only because I do not want to remind myself everyday that there is actually a problem I can't fix without popping a pill. Point is, I'm fifteen and have made too many mistakes. I know I'll make more but yet less if I think.